[Thinking] "Dear Ma. This is your boy here again...
"still fine with the U.S. Army in South Korea...
"and hoping you are the same.
"As usual, I am writing real slow, 'cause I know you can't read fast.
"Your package and letter arrived this morning.
"The cake and cookies and the underwear were all delicious.
"I was sorry to hear Uncle Ed went off the wagon on his hunting trip.
"I sure hope he'll be able to play the pump organ without those toes.
"I apologize for not answering sooner before, Ma.
"It's just I do a heck of a lot of writing in my job here.
"I got about the smallest pencil in the camp.
"Take like last week. Top of all my other duties...
"which I got too many already...
I had to help Captain Pierce give everybody a monthly foot inspection."
- Terrific-looking toes, Colonel. - Thank you, Pierce.
- Have you ever thought of studying piano? - [Laughing]
N-Not there, Pierce! [Giggling]
- Should I write down ticklish, Captain? - No, no.
Merely indicates the patient is highly oversexed, right, Colonel?
[Potter, Hawkeye Laughing]
- How do they look, Pierce? - You have the feet of a teenager.
Now we know why Mrs. Potter's smiling in her picture.
Learned about foot care in World War One.
From Capt. Harry S. Truman, no less. He had a great pair of feet.
Imprints of which may be seen on Gen. MacArthur's backside.
- Colonel gets a hundred percent, Radar. - Oh, good.
That's very good, sir. A hundred percent!
Well, good feet run in my family, except for my Uncle Ben.
He had two extra toes. Used to have to make little leather sidecars for his shoes.
Thank you, Colonel. Come along, Robin.
"Colonel Potter, who I was really worried would I like, I really do.
"He's okay and a good egg.
"I think he's how Pop would've been if he hadn't died when I was little.
"I never told you, but it used to make me mad that Pop died...
"until I finally realized dying wasn't his idea.
"Another one of my jobs is helping patients go to other hospitals...
"or back to their units after we finish with their surgery and stuff.
"Corporal Klinger was helping evac the other night.
You'd like Klinger, Ma. He looks a little bit like Aunt Jean before electrolysis. "
- Asher, Harold. Private. - Asher, Private. Right.
Have a good ride. We don't want to see you back here again.
- So keep down low. - How goes the psycho business, Klinger?
I wrote General Ridgway I love him, and asked him to be my husband.
- [Chuckles] You mad thing. - His aide wrote back.
- The general's happily married. - Maybe they'll have a fight.
- Yeah. - [Man On P.A.] Attention. Attention post-op personnel.
The evac bus is loading and ready to go.
All aboard, whoever's leaving.
Hey, Doc. Sergeant Callan. You know.
You took the shrapnel out of my chest.
- I've got it pressed in my memory book. - You got a second, Doc?
- You feel all right? - I feel fine.
It's the wife, Doc. She's not so hot.
She's gotta have an operation... you know, woman stuff.
I studied "Woman Stuff"... One and Two.
My problem is loot. I don't have enough for the operation...
- and she's gotta have it right away. - Uh-huh.
- I wonder if you could help me. - I'll be glad to operate on her free...
- if they'll let me fly home. - If I could just get her some cash.
I never lend my patients money. Reduced life spans.
This watch cost me $150 at the Tokyo P.X.
- Give me what you want for it. - I got a watch!
- Thirty dollars and it's yours. - [Door Closing]
All full up! Ready to roll!
It's self-winding, tells you the date. Twenty dollars!
- S-Sergeant... - It's a $150 watch!
- Look, Ser... - I wouldn't do this if it weren't for my wife's plumbing.
- L... - Take it. Fifteen. Take it.
Here, is, uh... Twenty bucks is all I got.
- God bless, you, sir. God bless you. - You're welcome, Sergeant.
Good evening, sir. I'm with the Department of Water and Power.
- I'm here to read your feet. - Ah!
If you'll just step into my... crate...
- What's that, a new watch? - Yeah. Got it off a patient. Twenty bucks!
Goes for 150.
- The patient had to send the money home, right? - How'd you know?
His kid outgrew his tonsils and needs a set of new ones?
The cat needs a "whiskerectomy?"
- I got taken? - We gotta do something about that apple-pie-and-hot-dog face.
No works. It's empty!
See, what you got there is either a pill box with hands...
or a lunch pail for Munchkins!
- I feel like an idiot. - Go with the feeling.
- And I operated on that guy's chest! - [Laughing]
See, what we'll do is we'll get the guy...
- and we'll put the shrapnel back in! - You're a lot of help.
- You ready, sir? - That's a loaded question, Radar.
It's past time to go check Major Houlihan's feet.
Ah, yes! The major's clustered tootsies.
You think she'll believe it that a kiss on the instep improves circulation?
- I believed this was a watch. - I'll do you at 9:00.
- How will I know? - Lead on, MacDuff.
Who?
You better be prepared to explain that.
Want to buy a watch?
Major Houlihan's tent. Ah, if this canvas could only talk.
- [Knocking] - Major?
- Who is it? - Time to have your feet "Pierced."
- Later. - Sorry, Major, there's no later.
The future's been cancelled by the War Department.
They're just gonna replay the past.
[Sighing, Feet Shuffling]
[Feet Stomping, Clothes Rustling]
She's not alone.
Give me two guesses. Senator McCarthy? Martin Bormann?
- Major Burns. - I was right!
Come in.
- Hello, Frank. - I was just leaving!
- That's gonna be difficult, isn't it? - Huh?
- You tied your boot to the table. - Oh, sure.
You were supposed to inspect my feet this morning.
Sorry, there was a parade on 5th Avenue. The Sons and Daughters of Mickey Rooney.
Stick around, Frank. I'll do you after Margaret.
I wouldn't let you touch my feet with a ten-foot pole!
Radar, cancel the ten-foot pole.
"Stretch" Pulaski... tallest Pole you ever saw.
Thanks for letting me come by only to pick up the manual, Major.
The manual.
You kids still using the manual? I think you could throw away the book by now.
Oh, watch your mouth... in front of the help.
Can we get on with it?
Take it easy, Major. Your feet aren't going anywhere without you.
- Ready, Radar? - Uh, ready, sir.
Now, then, madame, what did you have in mind? A pump? A sandal? A back-to-school shoe?
Doctor, I have a dozen specimens waiting for me in the lab.
You were smart to call ahead.
Report on Houlihan, Margaret, Major. By Pierce, B.F., Captain.
I'm getting a little crazy, backwards, talking.
Isn't that a pretty foot, Corporal?
I wouldn't know, sir. I'm not a doctor.
However, a wee bit of fungus...
two bunions, one corn, light on the mayo, hold the chili and onions.
Ankle's a bit swollen. You retaining water?
My water is none of your affair.
Radar, get me some potassium permanganate for the major's feet.
I'll spread it on for you. It's more fungus that way.
- Don't you wish. - Uh, well, sir, I'll meet you at the next feet.
No, no, Radar, stay. The law requires that a third person be present...
when I'm examining feet of the female sex.
Violation could result in my death by hangnail.
Oh, take your pan and get out!
Bossy boots.
"It's later now than it was before, Ma...
"and I'm having a cup of coffee in the mess tent.
"Colonel Potter has them make it real strong.
[Gasps]
"He says it grows hair on your saddle horn.
Speaking of where I am, a really weird thing happened in here the other day."
Grits. Peas. Corn.
Potatoes. Ham.
- Boy, you think of everything. - That's why I get the big money.
Next!
[Jets Roaring Overhead]
- Anyone sitting here? - No. No one.
[Laughing] I forgot to put coffee in my...
cup. [Mumbles]
Boy, you must be starved, guy.
[Speaking Korean]
Hey! What funny printing on there.
All the R's and the P's are backwards.
Wow! That's a Russian gun.
- You lucky pup! That's a great souvenir. - [Korean]
All I got so far is a small ivory Jesus for my mama's car.
Yeah, he's tops in our religion, you know.
Boy, I'd give anything for one of these Russian babies.
[Shouting In Korean]
I didn't mean anything. Hey.!
- Hey! Wait a minute! - [Grunting]
- You ignatz! - Sir, there was just a Korean in here.
This country is crawling with Koreans.
You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Korean.
You're going on report for this, you little puke!
- Can I help, sir? - You keep out of this, bugle beak!
I spent an hour going over this shirt with a hot rock.
Sir, it was a North Korean! I didn't realize until after he left!
He had a Russian gun and everything.
A commie? In here?
Sometimes they do that. Their snipers get hungry.
After shooting at our guys, they got the guts to eat our grits?
And you let him get away, you little pantywaist!
If I'd have been here, I'd have given him a good thrashing!
- Sir, they know judo! - Religion has nothing to do with it.
Better not try it again.
He'll probably keep the tray too.
[Radar] "Monday night, Colonel Potter and Major Houlihan...
"went into Kha Doc, which is a native village.
"We go once a month to treat the sick, old and ill.
"I could've gone, but last time I went, they served grasshoppers and rice.
"I don't mind that, but the sauce made me sick.
I think it's Mexican. "
- Well, I guess that's about it. Radar? - Yes, sir?
- Everything's gonna run smooth... - Make sure everything runs smooth until I get back.
- You got everything, sir? - Blankets, medical supplies, ketchup for the grasshoppers.
- [Laughing] - Keep the whitewash away from Major Burns.
I don't want to see one painted rock when I come back.
And make sure no one goes into my tent.
- I wouldn't do that, ma'am. - Somebody does.
- Maybe it's rats. - You think rats have been trying on my undies?
Some of them rats are weird.
You be careful on the road now, sir.
- We've got reports of snipers. - Can't kill a regular army man. Head's too thick.
Yo-o!
[Man On P.A.] Corporal O'Reilly, please answer your phone.
- Corporal O'Reilly, your phone's running over. - I'll take the whitewash, sir.
- He said no? - He said no.
Ah, Frank. Just in time for your foot inspection.
- I'm short ten toes, and they're yours. - Forget it, twerp!
Watch it, Frank. I read lips.
Gee, Mrs. Potter. You just missed him.
Uh, yes, ma'am. He just drove off with a nurse to a village near here.
Oh, no, he's okay. No, honest!
Yes, ma'am, you could call him tomorrow and ask him yourself.
Hey, uh, how's things in Missouri?
What? I'm sorry, ma'am, I can't hear you.
There's too much static on the...
Oh, it's okay. No, even static from home sounds good.
All right. I'll talk to you then. Bye.
- What's cookin'? - Mrs. Potter.
She called all the way from stateside.
She had a premonition that something was happening to the colonel.
My mother gets those. She had a premonition about the bombing of Pearl Harbor.
- She tell anybody? - Nah. She didn't get it till December 9th.
- And this, of course, is our mess tent. - [Speaking Korean]
Tell the general I'd offer him dinner, but it's not for me to endanger his health.
- [Korean] - [Laughing]
[General Speaking Korean]
The general said that one day we should have a war...
in which only cooks fight one another.
- In that way, we could get rid of the common enemy. - [Chuckles]
- Tell him I agree. - [Korean]
[Speaking Korean, Laughing]
Right this way, General.
I gotcha! [Screams]
I got him! Get the M.P.'s!
Jump that one! They always work in pairs!
Frank! Frank, get off. Frank, get off!
- What are you doing? I had him! - That's General Park...
- of the Army of the Republic of South Korea. - [Korean]
- South Korea? - I think his name translates as Ashley Wilkes.
Is that south enough for you?
- [Korean Continues] - Uh, General, uh...
I'm, uh, sorry to have been so rough on you, sir, and...
[Gasps]
Very good. Very good.
[Radar] "Foot inspection feels like it goes on forever, Ma.
"That's 'cause there's about 200 people in this unit...
"and with each one having 10 toes, that's 20,000 toes to check.
- [Knocking] - It's open!
- Good morning, Klinger. - Hi!
How's this sound? "Dear President Eisenhower...
- Sending away for seeds? - "Congratulations not only on becoming president...
"but getting out of the army at the same time.
"If I thought it'd work for me, I'd run for the office in a second.
- Off with the shoes. - "When you go through President Truman's mail...
"you will no doubt find some letters I wrote...
"describing the mental condition of my mind.
"I have deteriorated even more downhill since I sent him the picture of me...
dressed only in combat boots and a black garter belt."
- Right foot's fine. - Check.
"As a former big-time officer, you will understand...
how undesirable it is to have a weirdo like me in the service."
Why is your little toenail missing?
I put my pinky in the pencil sharpener at the draft board.
- You did not! - When he lowered my pants, there was a rose in my shorts.
"Return me to my loved ones, sir, and my uncle...
"who is very big in certain circles...
will rub out anyone you want at a discount."
Toes fine. One nail missing and one screw loose.
Go!
Frank, when am I gonna inspect you?
- Just keep your nose out of my feet. - Well put.
Hey, guys! Chuck me one! Toss it here!
Well, give me a little warning, will ya?
- I'm ready. - Thank you, Father.
- You have a lovely touch. - Never took a lesson.
I've often thought, with your gentleness, your compassion...
I believe you'd have made a good priest.
I'm too crazy about neckties.
How long have you had these feet, Father?
They were original equipment.
Make a note of that. Feet have only had one owner.
They're holding up very well.
- Must be all the kneeling. - No doubt.
- Where'd you get this scar, Father? - My sister bit my toe.
- Your sister the nun? - Now nun. Then, angry child.
- She has quite an overbite. - Don't spread this around.
The other children called her "Beaver."
- That's mean. - We told her it was because she was such a good swimmer.
Well, no corns, no fungus, no bunions, just a nun bite.
- One nun bite. - Father.
- Colonel Potter got a hundred percent. - Wow!
[Radar] "You'd like Captain Pierce, Ma. Least I think you would.
"He's real smart, but kind of crazy.
"I've seen him amputate people's legs one minute...
"and then glue Major Burns's boots to two bedpans the next.
"Maybe things like that got something to do with each other, I don't know.
"To continue on further, Ma...
"I'm really happy about my pet, which I finally got one.
"I sent away to a mail order house for a guinea pig, and he's doin'terrific.
"I named him Dopey, after the Seven Dwarfs.
"Getting back to Colonel Potter...
"boy, talk about your premonitions.
"Remember how old Aunt Dorothy always knew something was gonna happen...
"whenever her truss got warm?
Well, Aunt Dorothy had nothin' on Mrs. Colonel Potter. "
- [Jeep Rewing] - Halt! Friend or foe?
Out of my way! I'll run you down!
Pass, friend.
Klinger, on the double! The colonel's been shot!
- Sir, what happened? - A sniper got him on the road.
- Oh! Please don't die, sir. - Buffalo chips.
There's other men got hit worse that'll be in here soon.
- I just bought one in the old bucket. - Let's get some help.
- Yes, ma'am. - Major?
- Shouldn't be a minute, sir. - You were very brave back there.
- Very level-headed. - Thank you, sir.
Mrs. Potter has those qualities.
You couldn't ruffle her feathers if you hit her with a brick!
- What's all the hoo-ha? - Colonel Potter caught some sniper fire.
- Colonel, are you all right? - No, I am not all right. This sauce I'm sitting in...
is my own blood, and I'm so full of lead you could use me for a doorstop!
- Much pain? - My can's throbbin' two beats faster than my heart.
- [Klinger] Here we go! - I'll get things started.
- All right. Good girl. - In the clinches, which isn't a bad idea.
Colonel! Colonel Potter, are you all right?
- I'm all right, Radar. - Somebody said you were dead!
Well, it wasn't me. All I got was a night deposit in my derriere.
- Oh! - We'll have you under in a minute, Colonel.
Pig feathers! You don't have to knock me out. Just shoot a local in there.
I want to watch you characters work.
We'll give you a rearview mirror.
- A little higher, Radar. Yeah, that's fine. - Yes, sir.
- Swab that, please. - Yes, Doctor.
- Stuff's in pretty deep. It's gonna take awhile. - I got no place to go.
What a unique device, the human tush.
An architectural marvel. One of a kind.
Actually, two of a kind.
Designed to support our weight for a lifetime of sitting...
it also has the subtlety to do the samba.
And when attached to certain members of the female species...
at a time when light summer dresses are worn, can cause some of us to drive our cars...
- straight up a lamppost. - Stop dawdling.
Dawdling? I wax poetic, sir.
You're in luck. There's a man from Hallmark in the first row.
- Colonel! I just heard. - I'm all right, Father.
- [Bullet Clinking] - He got shot in the "derriere-y."
- A little to the right there, Hunnicutt. - I got it, Colonel.
Colonel.! It's your missus.! She's on the phone.!
Oh, yeah. She called before, sir.
She had a feeling something happened to you.
She's always having premonitions. She listens to that crazy gypsy...
who runs the fruit stand.
- What should I tell her? That you've been shot? - Don't say that!
The woman's got enough trouble. Having root canal...
no vertical hold on the TV, and the scales fell off her guppy.
- What shall I tell her? - If you're up to it, we could string a line in here.
- The phone won't be sterile. - Klinger, boil that phone.
- I like mine four and a half minutes. - Let's go.
[Radar] It'll bejust a minute, ma'am.
Oh, yeah, he's, um... He's over at the Officer's Club, and someone's using the line.
Right. Oh, no, no. He's okay, honest.
Um, I was sorry to hear about your guppy.
Right. We had a parakeet that ran away from home. I don't know why.
Just took some seed and his best bell and we never saw him again.
Oh, boy... Okay. Hold on for Colonel Potter, ma'am.
I'm perfectly fine, Mother.
Yes, just as Radar said, I'm at the Officer's Club.
I'll have another beer.
- May I have the next tango? - Take it easy. The woman's not a nitwit!
What's that, Mother?
Oh, I do respect your premonitions.
Yes, it was you who said my sister'd go bald.
Happily, you're wrong this time, is all.
- [Clinks] - That? That was an olive pit.
- Yes, dear. - [Mulcahy] My goodness. More wounded!
I'll finish up here. You take care of the new people.
- Right. Right. Klinger! - Let's get Frank.
- Sir.! Yes, sir. - Get Major Burns.
Now look, sugar, we're gonna have to get off the phone...
in case the war gets going again.
Take some aspirin, get your vertical hold fixed and buy yourself a new fish.
- I want to see the X rays. - Right away, Doctor.
- Where's my gas passer? - I'll get him.
Affirmative, sweetheart. Yes, I love you too.
Good-bye, Mother.
Not a bad performance, if I do say.
- Especially when the star has a slug in his butt. - [Chuckles]
Well, well, well. Sergeant Callan.
Small war, isn't it?
- They got me again, Doc. - Uh-huh.
- No sweat. - Can't get 'em to stop shootin' at me.
- How's the wife? - Oh, she's gonna have her operation next week.
- Thanks to you. - You're getting one right now, thanks to me.
- Hawk? My watch salesman's back. - Uh-huh.
Am I really gonna be all right, Doc?
- I'll have you running as well as that watch in no time. - [Chuckles Uneasily]
[Laughing] Pass me the rusty saw, please.
[Hawkeye] One rusty saw, coming up.
[Radar] "They were only kiddin: Ma. Our doctors are really teriff.
"Except for Major Burns, of course.
Speaking of which, Captain Pierce finally got to finish his foot inspection last night. "
[Footsteps]
[Screaming]
- [Burns] Are you people crazy? - Foot inspection, Frank.
- This is it! - Hold still.
- Unclench your foot, Frank. - Touch my toes and I'll have you killed, then court-martialed.
[Laughing] Nail polish?
- Frank! - Isn't that Major Houlihan's color?
It was all in fun. We were, uh...
discussing trench foot, a-a-and then we got a little silly.
You're not gonna put this on my report, are you, Pierce?
I think you'll find I'm pretty much all business, Frank.
"Burns, Frank, Major.
"Strange coloration of all toenails...
possibly due to combat action with a hostile manicurist."
"Well, Ma, I guess it's about time to sign off now.
"I better mail this letter before Dopey eats it.
"If they gave me a penny every time I thought about you...
"I guess I'd be makin' about 100 bucks a week.
"Don't worry if the war news is bad. I'm okay.
Love, Walter."